november

We watch trivial things. Antiques Roadshow. Star Trek. We assume she will win. How can she not. My partner goes to bed without knowing any of the results. I read a little while longer. Then texts from my sister. Worried. Then panicked. He will win. She will lose and he will win. And with him a reversal of all gains made over the past fifty years. I start following along on twitter. Everyone is in meltdown. My sister’s last text to me – What will we do for insurance? Their healthcare will be taken away. A sinking. I feel a twinge in my stomach. Fear and anger. This I cannot do. A pill to dull the fear. To lessen the worry. To fall asleep.

As dawn. She is gone already. Heading to work. Our son sleeps in bed still waking. I check the news on my phone. He has won. A heaviness. Do i exude something? Radiate emotional distress? My son leans close, puts his small arm around my chest says – I love you dad.

Disbelief. A total crushing. In the car to drop him off at school. The people on the radio speaking in sadness and worry about the results. How to talk about the news with your kids. My son in the back seat yells. Wait. Trump won?! But he’s a bad guy. We wanted the woman to win!

Walking to the train station. The feeling of the world. Existence. Bending around me. Perception shifting to accommodate this new reality.

On the train. Standing in a corner. Pressed close with people. My eyes on words in a book, but not absorbing any of it. At Division a co-worker gets on and comes straight to me. She looks. Her face and eyes. So many emotions. Then tears. As she cries. She sobs into my shoulder. I put one arm around her. We have no adequate words.

Sitting in my office. Alone. The weight of it. I cry and cry. I stand at my desk and cry. I sit in my chair and cry. Grief. As if someone close has died. We lose something. Our reality has changed. Our world has changed for the worse.

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